I once owned trauma and became so attached to it as my identity. Even referred to it as my trauma and intentionally pushed away healing or anyone who would tell me otherwise. As long as I held on to my trauma and anxiety attacks, I was free to be whatever. Who wouldn’t want that? My greatest fear was that people would tell me the truth and reality would steal this new world where people let me be me without any judgement because of my mental health.
Specific things, symbols, people etc… would awaken thoughts of my trauma and bring bouts or anxiety… and I loved it. At the time, I was totally unaware of this because it was somewhat controlled by unconscious self. So I kept vigil for the slightest triggers and blew them out of proportion just to get a kick out of it. That feeling of pain and helplessness was all I wanted – almost craved for. Like how we remember something sad so that we may cry.
Anxiety become my refuge. Just like a drug, I would run to it as an excuse when confronted by discomfort. This actually reminds me of the black card that we pull out as if to protest racism when we actually want preferential treatment. I became addicted to that pain and to make it worse, people supported my addiction. This made me afraid of healing.
The anxiety attacks and trauma were so much a part of my life that I had no idea who I was outside them… the unknown was more scary than my trauma so I choose to relive the it over and over again. I was like a child who has urinated on the bed and enjoyed lying in the warm filth because I was afraid of the cold reality of stepping out of my mess, owning up and cleaning up it. It needed courage and courage is too much work.
People were celebrating me for being weak, the way we give participation trophies to kids who come last. So I continued being weak enough just to barely stay alive because that kept the sympathy coming. My sub-conscience loved it. At the time, I was fully unaware of all this but now I know that my sub-conscience was getting a secret pleasure kick from my pain. Like a weird fetish only that I couldn’t see or experience it because I was blinded. So I kept playing along and used the victim card as an easy way out to build remorse and continue gaining sympathy.
Interestingly, I never understood why I thought the anxiety was good for me. It felt all great within me, that I didn’t realise the slow fade until it had already turned into depression and stopped me from working or sleeping or leaving the house. Wish there was an anxiety attack scale to measure and define the levels of danger I was about to reach, because I started becoming restless and couldn’t sit still but also didn’t want to leave the house.
I don’t know how exactly the anxiety attacks started coming without any triggers. Ironically, at the same time, close friends would walk into my house unannounced for no reason. Just to check up on me but their visit, just like my anxiety was not welcome and so I pushed them away. They gave up but my anxiety didn’t.
Sometimes, I would even think of anxiety reduction techniques that involved tricking my mind and that’s when my anxiety attacks would fight back the hardest looking like a raging ball angry fire, taking over my mind and causing intrusive thoughts that wiped out anything positive.
Each time I tried fighting back with my inner will, it caused dizziness and made me feel tired – like I was in an actual fight. My anxiety attacks started causing physical pain and making me feel sick and tired. I thought I was about to die and the thought of taking away my life was a common part of my day.
If you ask me to either take back my anxiety or get infected with coronavirus, guess what? I will even eat a bat to get the worst strain possible, because it will still be better than what I went through. Anxiety is real. It can lead to depression, make you bed-sick and can even kill you but if I am still here today sharing this, just know that anxiety can also be cured.
We need compulsory lessons in school like anxiety for beginners or anxiety for dummies because going thought that without being prepared has been described as a near death experience. For me I would say it is worse than death itself but with the right support system you won’t sink into it.
Until today, I don’t know how I left that prison but I am glad I finally did. Mental health is a very serious issue and everyone goes through a different experience. Check out this support system and Share your personal experience and how we can help other people trapped in that cycle.
Wambui Kinyua
Anxiety is more of a symptom of different underlying reasons. They could be: Fear of the unknown, stress, OCD, germaphobia, people who went through child abuse or witnessed GBV, societal pressure, etc:
And for that, you should see a therapist, face your demons and heal. Then less and less cases of anxiety on yourself.
Everyone needs a therapist.
KING JAFFER
Mental health is key and everyone should be aware of it.it is in Kenya where mental health is taken like one is crazy, that in turn causes a lot of stigma to the people with lived experiences,one can only talk about mental health if it has affected them or when they feel it is important, I hate when it is assumed yet 90 % of the youths are dying by suicide. I started withdrawing at the age of 5,I felt worthless and didn’t like seeing people coz I feared judgment, social anxiety still a problem till date,I had panic attacks which could make me unable to do things well, people who don’t understand say you’re weak, as for now I embrace it, I don’t feel it is weakness I know it is something beyond my control. I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder, it made people called me crazy especially during mania, when I got depressed no one even cared to look for me, I am also struggling with PTSD, childhood abuse which cause unending events that cause depression,this is just a little about my past, narrating a mental health story aint easy. One day I hope the world changes its view on mental health and the people with lived experiences on mental health
Leo Mukabi
Quite intriguing and interesting article
Phanice Wamukota
Phew! Glad you are out of the woods….or at least have regained control over your life. This just reminds the rest of us that there is hope. That things can get brighter and colorful for us once again. In the meantime, we continue to inhale and exhale.
Lucy Muthoni
Thanks for sharing your story on Anxiety and i agree with you that individuals need to be taught on its consequences from childhood to adulthood and even the elderly. For me, anxiety has been my life from the day I was six years old to date. This anxiety has really affected my life, home, school. I lost my friends, almost separated with my family, had a number of unsucessful relationships. What I mean is , Anxiety ripped off my joy, my happiness, my bond. I hope I shall recover from it sooner.
Sheila Nkirote
Thank you for sharing your story Daisy.
Anxiety sucks . Sometimes you don’t know what’s coming but other times you know the roller coaster is coming your way so fast but you don’t know how far you will drop .
I have had anxiety attacks and depression for some years now .The thing is sometimes it’s so hard to fix yourself when you don’t know what your are fixing.Some days when I have my attacks everything is blur it’s like I can’t even see and I can’t stop tingling my fingers and feet and it’s real hard to manage through a single episode. I am nowhere near better but I know there is light at the end of the tunnel.
You and I ( anyone going through mental health issues) are little different but that’s okay.Have some coping mechanism that will help reduce the attacks. You can concur one trigger at a time and then move to the next one. Talk about the pain don’t expect them to understand what you are going through .Each time you speak about it ,it becomes a little bit easier.
Get yours self a support system it can be other users or survivors or caregivers.
Be open about your struggles and be open about your success too.
I have depression and anxiety ,I go to therapy ,I cry almost all the time,I fake smiles,I have hurt family and friends.I am my worst enemy.I really don’t like myself ,I feel like the biggest screw up in the world and I have suicidal thoughts.I could go on and on but I am other things as well.I am mother who laugh ,who loves my friends and family ,who is normal,who loves rhyming dictionaries and coming up with bedtime stories for my daughter.Am beautiful ,worthy and loved.
I opened up about all these things and I hope that you will be able to talk about it.We will get better together because you are not alone and you can beat depression, anxiety attacks ,panic attacks name it.
Cosmos Owiredu
Thank a lot for the clarification and personal story. But my little advice always try to be strong to avoid that or better still get something doing.
Gerald Kariuki
I read this with tears in my eyes. Stay strong and thank you for strengthening us with your experience. How did you manage to finaly overcome he anxiety and do you still have attacks?
Joy Okediji
Now I have an idea on what anxiety feels and looks like. I never thought it could do such crazy things to your body. Does this mean you had 100% no control of what was happening or you were just too comfortable?