Based on my little experience here are some top 10 red flags to look for if you are indeed looking to share a healthy relationship with someone you love (applies to both men & women) – please do share yours 🙂
10. Always on the phone
If someone is always on their cell-phone even when they are on a date with you it definitely means that they do not respect the time their sharing with you. I have been with people who constantly glance at their phone every 5 to 10 minutes throughout the entire date (even outdoor dates) regardless of whether or not you’re talking to them. This is definitely someone to avoid.
9. Baggage Projection
As much as we all have issues in our lives it would be very unfair of us to expect our partners to solve them. If you have mental illness, a drug abuse condition, past trauma, family trouble and so on, I say, lay the cards on the table and deal with the issues you have as a couple though at the end of the day, the individual is firstly responsible for sorting their personal problems. As much as your partner could and usually will support you, it’s not their responsibility to solve your problems nor are you entitled to their input. Partners are not rehabilitation centres for each other’s baggage.
8. Unkind to Strangers (esp. service industry)
If you are dating someone who treats waiters/waitresses in restaurants like trash, you may want to reconsider being with them because it is only a matter of time before they do the same to you. Often, how we treat strangers in a position of service (and children) is highly reflective of our temperament, patience-levels and selflessness/selfishness. You may want to be keen on this.
This in itself is an entire article to read on (read more on how to spot a psychopath – https://www.wikihow.com/Identify-a-Psychopath). Long story short – DO NOT date a psychopath. Psychopaths are people who are totally incapable of feeling empathy and often operate on a self-interest basis so being with one simply means you are only a means to an end they have. NB: there’s a difference between a psychopath and a psychotic.
6. Spoiled Brats
These are usually, but not always, people raised in circumstances that later manifest as spoiled behaviour or entitlement in their adult lives. I notice this a lot with people who were only-children – without siblings to compete with and hold them accountable they usually grow up with a false sense of entitlement. But like I said, this is NOT ALWAYS the case, parenting plays a critical role. Spoiled brats can be spotted in a relationship by always being demanding without offering anything in return. They also avoid hardship and always use shortcuts when they can. Some tell-tale signs are those who like to be taken to expensive hotels all the time and never offer to pay or those who ask you to buy them stuff all the time – some red flags to note. Another sign is that such types often have conversations revolving around themselves (the gym they go to, the stuff they like to get, etc.) and less of what they can do for others or how they would see the world as a better place.
NB: A spoiled brat in extreme may be a malignant narcissist which is a form of psychopath.
5. Wet Blankets/Aloof Attitude
If you are in a relationship with a person who is always aloof to what you’re doing, your goals and aspirations, it may be time to check-out. A person who truly likes you will always ask about you and your work (even if they don’t necessarily like the same things nor have the same skills). Also, if someone is always criticising your ideas and putting you down, discouraging you from embarking on projects, it’s definitely a red flag. Of course, there’s constructive criticism (which should be done in a particular tone as well) but when it’s negative 100% of the times, it definitely is destructive.
Sorry I couldn’t think of another word but basically this is someone who has 0 aspirations, 0 goals, 0 initiative and always counts on you to do the heavy-lifting in the same way a tick sits on the hide of a cow, sucking its blood. This type could also be type (6) above. Ask yourself whether you’d rather be with a person who feeds-off you or a person with whom you collectively build each other.
3. ‘Holier than Thou’/Goody-Two-Shoes
Again, a controversial one, but most of the people who seem too good to be true usually are. It could be the ‘excessively saved type’ posting bible verses all over their social media, the overly polite and soft-spoken, or the too charming and complimenting types. Usually any excess serves as a cover-up to something catastrophic. Such types are usually psychopaths/sociopaths or type (9) above.
2. Overly Passive
This type of person usually does nothing and takes no initiative in the relationship – they are not really type (4) or (6) but rather an extreme form of aloofness. They never respond calls/text messages and seldom take the initiative to do activities with you, often being good at last minute cancellations or just going mute. This simply means 1 thing – they are not that interested you and are barely tolerating you. Chances are they are looking for an out and its just a matter of time before you’re dumped. Again, ask yourself if such a person is worth your time/effort.
1. Strange Company
As the old saying goes, “Birds of a feather, flock together.” This is true. There’s no way someone can spend half of their social time with drug addicts and not in one way or the other have a correlation with the behaviour that comes with being part of the group. Be critical of your partner’s close friends and where they spend their time because it is very telling of their character.
There you have it, I know I may have pissed-off some people but that’s my experience, what’s yours?